i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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