But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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