my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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