I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
