just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
