This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
