I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
