Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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