you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
