I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize