I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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