you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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