So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
