Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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