When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
