a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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