every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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