No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
