The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize