I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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