plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
