I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
