Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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