I just pynch a tree in the face
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
