It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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