ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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