Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
