I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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