and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
