bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
