I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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