her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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