Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
