im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
