who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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