I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
