Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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