I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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