He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
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Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
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I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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