I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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