dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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