What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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