my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
