she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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