My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
