Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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