You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
