Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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