Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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