I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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