i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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