Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
