if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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