I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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