Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
