I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
my liver is dry heaving
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
