I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
