i jhust puked up my retainher.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
